I'm jealous of your bromance
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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