How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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