I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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