Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
