What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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