oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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