my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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