At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
