Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
