Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
