did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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