i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I enjoy the company of your penis
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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