just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
