I puked a lego.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
