I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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