if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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