Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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