hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
