just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
