Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
