We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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