Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
