I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize