Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
