the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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