I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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