Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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