they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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