the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
