You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
