you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
