I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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