i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
