you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
