last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
