he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
