she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Randomize
