I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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