I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
