You're so nebulous sometimes
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have already put on my inside pants.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
