I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
