I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
