Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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