Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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