there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
