She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
