How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
