the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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