Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
