I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
