I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
